I’ve given plenty of thought…obsessive amounts of thought…to my partner’s role in the demise of my marriage but as I am learning and relearning, there is always more than one side to each story.In fact, I believe there are three sides…yours, mine and God’s (otherwise known as “the truth”).
Then within each of those three sides, there’s also my perception of each, your perception of each, and again, the truth.
So, here goes my perception of my part.
I got married too young.
I got married when I knew I shouldn’t because a) I felt the Spirit nudging, and b) others had counseled me not to.
Once married, I yelled. A lot.
I was cruel and self-serving and critical with my words. Probably daily.
I looked out for number one and tried to protect her (aka, me).
I didn’t serve enough.
I didn’t build him up enough.
I didn’t respect him. (Let me take a moment with this one. I used to argue that once I felt he deserved respect, I’d begin to respect him. I now believe that there are two kinds, or levels, of respect. There is earned respect and there is role-expected respect. For instance, I might not respect President Such-&-Such, but if he walked into the room, you’d better believe I’d stand and probably clap just because of his role. So, if for nothing else, I withheld role-expected respect.)
I prayed for him and I prayed for us, but I didn’t do so enough.
I got married when I knew I shouldn’t because a) I felt the Spirit nudging, and b) others had counseled me not to.
Once married, I yelled. A lot.
I was cruel and self-serving and critical with my words. Probably daily.
I looked out for number one and tried to protect her (aka, me).
I didn’t serve enough.
I didn’t build him up enough.
I didn’t respect him. (Let me take a moment with this one. I used to argue that once I felt he deserved respect, I’d begin to respect him. I now believe that there are two kinds, or levels, of respect. There is earned respect and there is role-expected respect. For instance, I might not respect President Such-&-Such, but if he walked into the room, you’d better believe I’d stand and probably clap just because of his role. So, if for nothing else, I withheld role-expected respect.)
I prayed for him and I prayed for us, but I didn’t do so enough.
Now things take a slightly different turn. The above list, I knew I was messing up all the time. The list that follows are things that I didn’t know how to do any differently until it was too late. These things used to not feel like things I was doing wrong.
Boundaries. I had no boundaries.
I was needy, beyond needy, and so I would take any and all attention. I even stirred things up into arguments because yucky attention was better than no attention.
Accountability. Things were going on that were outright sinful and wrong. I didn’t call him on it. I used to think that wasn’t my job but the job of another man. I now realize that is part of a partner’s job…that’s what a help-mate should do. Gently of course. Help. I asked for help. A ton. But then when I didn’t get it, I stopped. I crawled back into my shell and tried to keep wading through. And I say this even though we went to nine counselors and met with other couples and I read a bunch of marriage books. I never spoke the full truth until four months before we ended up separating. And when I did, when I literally laid our marriage out on the table at a local diner for another couple from church, I said what I should have said ten years before, “I’m not saying I’m sinless. But I’m saying this is wrong, and I can’t do this anymore, and I am begging you to help me.” There’s more, I’m sure. Because remember, this is just my perception of my part in it all. There is still my ex-spouse’s, and more importantly, there’s how God sees me in all of this. So there you have it, in case I ever gave the impression that I thought I was the victim in a hit-and-run marriage, I wasn’t. I was a full participant in our dysfunction. But I’m beyond grateful to say that there’s hope now, that healing is coming, that I sense joy so much more than I have in years and years. I messed up, absolutely. But then there’s Jesus to clean me up and stand me up on my feet again. And he is. If this post helped you, I would encourage you to check out “Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage”, found here.
Elisabeth,
I do not think you should call this post How i ruined my marriage, but How i played a part. Much of what i read could be in response or reaction to what your daughters father did or said. Of course i dont know the other side only God knows the truth.
I feel you should give yourself a break, it is refreshing to see someone hold themselves accountable for their perceived actions. Im sure you know, you are forgiven by the one that matters. Forgive yourself as well. Thank you for sharing.
Yes, thank you for sharing!
I also made the mistake of not holding my husb. accountable for his actions. For a long time I thought I was a “good wife” for allowing him to have a messy desk, not come home when he said he would, take out loans behind my back, bully me into signing for them, lie about money he spent, *almost* cross the line to inappropriate behavior with other women, treat his father as more as a partner than me, etc., etc., etc.
At some point I stopped even trying to talk with him about the above, thinking he’d feel the consequences and change his behaviors. Well, that didn’t work…but I think by that time he was just showing worse and worse behaviors in an attempt to get me to leave.
When I talked with my pastor about moving out he said, “You need to hold him accountable for his actions.” I did…but I wonder, if I”d held him accountable years ago, would things have turned out different?
My best advice is to talk with a pastor or clergy person or Christian counselor to get his or her thoughts on what you should be doing about behaviors that are harmful to the marriage. I wish I would have.
Wow, I really appreciate your candidness and raw honesty and just for plain sharing. Soul searching is a beautiful thing and so cathartic. May your honesty and candor encourage others to do the same and may we all learn from the wisdom you shared from your own situation. God bless you!!!
Very good and honest post. We all play a part in our messes but sometimes we pay more attention to the sins of others.