Question (from Facebook community): “I’m a wreck during this divorce, but still my same perfectionist self. Am I expecting too much from myself? Should I just push through or let myself be lazy?”
If I’ve learned anything from going through this process of separation and divorce, it’s this: my emotions are completely unpredictable. What makes me laugh constantly surprises me, and what makes me cry leaves me shaking my head. Three months past the divorce and I’m still more tired than the average person. And I seem to berate myself quite a bit for still being as sad as I am.
So I have had to learn and relearn to show myself grace, cut myself some slack. Yes, there are some things that you just need to do. You need to make sure you’re eating. You need to make sure your kids are getting to school. You need to do your job.
And yet, you are hurting.  You are grieving. We must be mindful of that fact, even if the rest of the world has moved on. The loss of a marriage is profound, second only to the death of a spouse on the stressor list. It shifts things inside of us, and Lord knows, changes most of our external circumstances and roles and trappings as well.
Perhaps we should picture ourselves being shipwrecked. We wake up groggy, disoriented. We wouldn’t stand up immediately and within moments have a shelter erected, a food pile started, and a rescue fire going. We would need to slowly sit up. We’d need to assess the damage done to our bodies. We’d need to check our kids for bruises and breaks. Then, carefully, we’d sift through the wreckage to see what could be salvaged. It probably wouldn’t be all that organized, and we certainly wouldn’t be full of energy, full steam ahead, as if we hadn’t just completely lost our way.
Our marriages have run aground and we have been thrown to the shore. We have a new set of priorities right now, as anyone does who is in a crisis. Hurricane Sandy victims have a different set of to-do’s than those of us on dry land with our houses still standing.
You’re in crisis. What needs to get done will get done. What doesn’t need to will just have to fall to the side for a while. I read something in a magazine a few years back that can totally apply to this, “If you don’t have to do it and you don’t love to do it, don’t do it.” Use that as your filter during these grieving and healing days.

In the meantime, until you feel back to normal (whatever normal is, right?), take care of yourself and your children spiritually, physically, and emotionally, and rest, rest, rest. Those are your priorities. Healing is your main task today. Whatever’s left on your list…well, what’s left will just have to wait.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,a time for war and a time for peace.
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8-



If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here or “Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman”, found here.


Life isn't always how we want it. When change seems elusive, and we're stuck in old routines, a gentle push or some self-reflection can make a difference. Let these questions be that nudge to get you moving.

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