Not having to hide my journal or other personal papers when I leave the house.
I have access to all my money.
No more hiding my Bible.
I can use the water dispenser in the fridge without fear that a drip of water may accidentally hit the floor.
No more feeling like I am never good enough and never meeting someone else’s expectations.
I don’t have to try to decipher as many lies.
I don’t have to wonder constantly if the person I’m talking to is intoxicated.
I don’t need my anti-depressants or my anti-anxiety medication any more.
No more yelling, no more hitting, no more locking my bedroom door in fear.
I am safe.
This list should make your skin crawl. This is how low the bar is for these women because of what their marriages were like. They are grateful, literally grateful, that they don’t have to worry about water dripping on the floor for fear of what would happen if found out. That they can leave their Bibles sitting out. They now feel safe. Safe.
Can you imagine? Seriously, can you actually imagine your marriage looking like this?
Okay, I must warn you…I’m feeling my righteous anger begin to well up inside of me. Because I am so sick of hearing about the walkaway-wife. I am so sick of hearing judgmental comments or feeling judgmental stares from people who have no idea. Like we all just got a little bored with our mates, or we kind of tried to make it work but we fell out of love so we’re moving on.
In two months, the two Facebook groups I’m moderating (one for women in difficult Christian marriages and one for Christian women who are separated or divorced) have grown to almost one hundred women combined. From what I can tell of each of these women, they all love God, they all tried (or are currently trying single-handedly) to save their marriages, and they have endured (or are currently enduring) being treated poorly – sometimes horribly – by the person who vowed to love them more than anyone else.
I need to reel myself back in to the question at hand: Is this something I can live with?
My view is what we are capable of living with and what we should live with are two very different things. My view is that a marriage should not be characterized by pain – emotional, spiritual, or physical. My view is that if this sounds like you…if you feel like you can’t breathe when you’re with your spouse…you need to get help. I will not say that you should divorce your spouse – I cannot say that for anyone – but I will say that those gratitudes above should be absolute givens, not the exception to the rule. So if this is you, tell someone and get help. There is still hope.|
If this post helped you, I would encourage you to check out “Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage”, found here.
I read the list on the FB group… Didn’t add my own:
I am glad I know the bills are being paid, because I’m paying them. And when the IRS has taken everything from my future, I can, on my own, start over. I can trust this and my God.
PS. I think some people at church think that I am a walk away wife.
Wow Elisabeth!
That is overwhelmingly sad! I, too, have been hurt by careless comments when I was separated.
I wish we could try to be a little more loving to each other.
Lord, please clean up my heart and guard my mouth meanwhile!
so very true! I’m married, happily and safe, but can identify with your list because of friends’ experiences.
it IS a shame that so many church folk are judgmental of ppl and lives we know nothing about. A wise friend once advised me to think: “what if I’m wrong” when I was making assumptions about others… and it’s turned my head and heart around. When I remember to TRY it out of course, and not assume that I know best for everyone in the world.
Thanks for being the honest voice for so many.
This was my life from the age of 14 until I was 33 years old. Walking on eggshells, verbal abuse, screaming obsenities in my face, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, being told I was bipolar and even on bipolar meds, suicidal more times than I can count, trying everything I could think of to make him happy only to be criticized over everything — ie he would come home and the house wouldn’t be spotless because I would have been home all day with our 2 year old daughter, so next day I cleaned thoroughly, cooked him a beautiful meal, baked him his favorite pie, only to be asked ” did you spend any time with our daughter today?” Not any mention over what I did do. Seeing a counselor and her suggesting I read a book called “The Verbally Abusive RElationship” book, only to be too afraid to read the book because I didn’t want him to find it. I only read the book after we separated.
I wasn’t allowed to take my daughter to church because “child molesters” go to church, and therefore because he worked on Sundays I wasn’t allowed to go to church. Until we separated and i found a church that did background checks on their workers was i able to take her to church.
Coming home at 3 am and showering because he had perfume on him, but he wasn’t cheating, he just didn’t want me to think he was cheating so he showered to get the perfume off so that i wouldn’t smell the perfume ?? really??
After that I tell him that he’s treating me just like his dad treated his mom, he then gets in my face and begins screaming “f” you over and over and over again, inches from my nose, backing me into the bathroom, so that i can’t get out. Our daughter was in the next room, heard the whole thing.
He would get his bonus from work and hide it from me, all the while I’m scraping money together trying to pay all the credit cards he has wracked up.
There were more women that I can count. Do I know for a fact that he cheated? No. He behaved very much like someone who did — I never caught him in the act, but I know he looked at porn, chatted with a 17 year old sexually on the internet as well as other women on the internet sexually — I caught him doing that. I found pictures of him with another woman — found cards from other women to him. Receipts, telephone numbers.
Within months after leaving him I was able to get off virtually all the medication that the doctors had me on — praise God!!
I have dealt with PTSD for several years since then, but as the years go by, it does get better. After leaving him I was able to begin to stand up to him, stop having him screw me up, manipulate me, make me crazy, etc. I could actually THINK! He could crazy make better than anyone I’d ever met.
I did remarry several years later, and have been married to my current husband. Unfortunately, I did have to go on anti-depresants and anxiety meds 6 months into this marriage. Not because of my husband, but his children. It’s been a struggle, but things seem to be getting better. My husband is a good man, but his children can be very difficult at times.
I guess life can’t be perfect, but at least I’m in a better place today. Thanks for your blogs Elizabeth and for being a voice for those of us who have been there, or who are there.
I know people think I’m a “walk away wife”. I asked for help repeatedly, talked to pastors, attended small groups, Christian counseling, you name it. I was married to a man who put everything but his God and his family first. And yet that same church embraces him because they “see change”. They don’t see the obscenities he screams or the lies or the manipulation. No one believes me. But I KNOW I gave everything I had, and then some before I walked away. I’ve reconciled myself to knowing that on this side of Heaven I will be the “bad” spouse. My God knows better, and I believe I’ve been forgiven for my part in the failure of my marriage.