Here are the facts.
One, I have been living apart from my now ex-husband for two full years. Therefore, I’ve had some time to get used to this single life and single parenting thing.
And two, I was served with a petition for dissolution of marriage eleven months ago. Therefore, I’ve had some time to get used to the idea of, you know, actually being divorced.
Except, here’s the thing. I did not see this coming. I know, only a crazy person wouldn’t actually expect divorce papers to not end in divorce, but that’s where I’ve been living apparently (in crazy town).
I stood in front of a judge yesterday and listened to questions being answered, my legs barely able to hold myself up. And then I heard this question from the other attorney, being asked of my ex-husband, “Is your marriage irretrievably broken?”
Without hesitation, the reply came, “Yes.”
Seriously, in my head, I was screaming, “It is?!?”
Because I honestly, deep down, thought the trigger would never be pulled on this. I woke up this morning in utter shock that I am actually divorced. I had to say it out loud to sort of remind myself. I am divorced.
So what all this means is, yes, I’ve gotten a bit used to parts of this new life of mine, but oh my word, seeing as I didn’t think it was going to actually happen, I’m so far from being healed and ready for my next chapter in life that it’s not even funny.
Though I was kicking myself for being so sad yesterday because it felt like I should be two years in already, it’s actually just day one for a huge part of my heart that did not expect this to be my life.
So I am requesting permission to be sad…like, for a while…from myself, from God, from you (the people in my life).
And this is the response I’m pretending to hear: Permission granted.