Here are the facts.
One, I have been living apart from my now ex-husband for two full years. Therefore, I’ve had some time to get used to this single life and single parenting thing.
And two, I was served with a petition for dissolution of marriage eleven months ago. Therefore, I’ve had some time to get used to the idea of, you know, actually being divorced.
Except, here’s the thing. I did not see this coming. I know, only a crazy person wouldn’t actually expect divorce papers to not end in divorce, but that’s where I’ve been living apparently (in crazy town).
I stood in front of a judge yesterday and listened to questions being answered, my legs barely able to hold myself up. And then I heard this question from the other attorney, being asked of my ex-husband, “Is your marriage irretrievably broken?”
Without hesitation, the reply came, “Yes.”
Seriously, in my head, I was screaming, “It is?!?”
Because I honestly, deep down, thought the trigger would never be pulled on this. I woke up this morning in utter shock that I am actually divorced. I had to say it out loud to sort of remind myself. I am divorced.
So what all this means is, yes, I’ve gotten a bit used to parts of this new life of mine, but oh my word, seeing as I didn’t think it was going to actually happen, I’m so far from being healed and ready for my next chapter in life that it’s not even funny.
Though I was kicking myself for being so sad yesterday because it felt like I should be two years in already, it’s actually just day one for a huge part of my heart that did not expect this to be my life.
So I am requesting permission to be sad…like, for a while…from myself, from God, from you (the people in my life).
And this is the response I’m pretending to hear: Permission granted.
If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here or “Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman”, found here.
Absolutely. Permission to be sad granted. I am sad over impending divorce in my family. A pervasive sadness.
Divorce is a death, Beth. And it requires grieving. Much to the surpise of many, a lot of the grief doesn’t start until the gavel drops. This is why remarriage soon after divorce is extremely unwise (not that you are considering this, but for others). ALLOW yourself to grieve. The death of the dream, the death of the covenant, the death of what should have been. Much Love-Laura
As a divorce lawyer (10yrs now), I still tear up when I ask my client that question. Even if they are ready and excited (if that’s possible) to have it end, I silently mourn the loss of their marriage. I can only imagine what you must be enduring. Take all the time you want.
Hugs… No words other then YES! Grieve! 🙁
Of course, permission granted! I feel your pain….
GOD is Good and His time is perfect…we are just a little tiny part of HIS purpose…and we have teh right to grieve when we dont understand so much we cant bare no more….
YOU are A great Person and God is using you through your testimony on many of us lifes… GOD Bless you and allow you to keep sharing your testimony…I cried because is like describing my life now… But I trust GOD with my ALL!
Yes, “weeping endures for a night, but joy comes in the morning…” it doesn’t say that weeping is unnecessary because joy comes in the morning. Sadness does come, and it lasts a while, and that’s the way we’re made. thank you for these reflections… I am a few weeks away from my divorce being final in court… the death of a dream – that feels like failure in my gut, even though I know before God that I did all I could to save the marriage. So, be sad, and know that God is right beside you.
Permission granted by God, and we will be sad with you. Weep with those who weep…..
Praying for you,
Bless you – and yes, permission granted. Your writing, your thoughts continue to just amaze me. I know that I know you are helping probably thousands of women and I bet a few men, and several young women with your honest thoughts and writing….Your blog has indeed been something that God has used in my life to minister to me. I am sad that a part of your heart died the other day. I remember when I went back and back on your posts and read how, you did not want to divorce and God worked it out that he did…..HE has gotten every detail. I won’t end this by saying, in time it will be better …that is one of those stupid sayings that make you mad and yet, we all know – it will, but until then be sad, be as sad as you need for as long as you need….thank you for sharing your heart
Yes, and yes again. I hated, hated, HATED my divorce day (especially since I didn’t want to be divorced). Not that really it matters 😉 , but you have my permission to be sad, happy, angry, hurt, relieved, crushed, joyful, and whatever other emotion comes your way. I’ve learned not to fight even the overwhelming emotions, but to live through them, clinging to God every step of the way.
This is me!!!!!! I have been separated for 10 months, and I am legally able to file for divorce after 12 months (just 2 months away.) Many of my friends and family urge me (for very good reason) to go ahead and file when that time comes. I don’t know how or why my internal response is, “WHAT??? HOW????” I know *why* it’s the best choice for the kids and I. I know *why* there are no signs of life left for my marraige (husband hasn’t complied with any of the requirements for reconcilliation, etc.) I know *why* the kids and I would be safer, and have more security if I file. I know *why* being in limbo like this is so taxing; so stressful. But I also know that as the 12 month mark is approaching, I am SHOCKED. Somehow, I never thought this separation could ever end in divorce–even though my closest and most valued friends told me from the get-go, “This is headed for divorce, and we don’t see any other possible conclusion. Prepare yourself.” I just think I’m in the same place that you are: my brain can understand separation–long term separation. But divorce??? I can’t seem to wrap my head around it, even though it’s staring me right in the face. I try to comprehend it, and I’m just left feeling stupidly vacant. My grief is ongoing, and I can’t imagine the wave when “real” divorce hits me. None of this is easy…..