I was on the receiving end of a divorce today. The ink is dry. I am no longer a wife.
I have felt a thousand and one emotions the past few days. Anxiety. Sorrow. Rejection. Doubt. Abandonment. Gratitude for the good things that came from our marriage. I’ve cried through my wedding DVD and laughed through tears over sweet love letters from our college days.
This divorce – this forever severing as the decree calls it – will be my largest regret and sadness for the rest of my life, no matter what else my life has for me. I will walk through the rest of my days holding in one hand “we should have never married” while balancing “but I wouldn’t trade my children or my friends or anything good that came from our marriage” in the other. It’s all a mystery. One I will grasp lightly and gratefully, knowing I’ll never fully understand the why’s behind it all.
There are so many moments I would change, so many words I would give anything to take back. So many tears I wished I hadn’t cried, so many actions I wished I would’ve taken.
And yet, here I am. Not one moment can be changed. I am who I am in huge part because of my fragile, now unraveled and undone, marriage. I can’t go back. And I wouldn’t go back.
For today, and a few todays to come I’m sure, I’ll look over my shoulder. I’ll wonder. I’ll cry. I’ll be sad and walk slow and sigh. I might conjure up a smile or two thinking on the good things.
But then there will be a time, sooner rather than later I hope, when I will know it’s time to move completely on. Today is not that day. The ink is dry on paper. But the ink is not yet dry on my heart. That’s going to take a while. Gratefully, I’ve got the time. All the time in the world. And I’ve got a patient, gentle Healer who will sort things out, hold my hand, walk alongside me, make all things new, and promises – absolutely promises – to bring beauty from these ashes.
If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here or “Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman”, found here.
wow reading this made me cry and broken for you I am sorry you are dealing with the heart in your heart be here is a reminder from God to **Trust God Fully* I will pray for you and your family God is in control of all the trials we go through and all the storms we go through God is still there beside us all may God shower you Elisabeth with His love….
My heart is with you today. I know many of those emotions and I know that you have done many wonderful, beautiful things in spite of your regrets.
Elisabeth,
As you stated, Jesus, Healer, brings healing to your heart as only He can…I pray that as your heart is healed that on the other side of all of this that Jesus will become the “uncontested love of your life” and “lover of your soul.”…I have walked this out and found this to be true..He is Faithful and a Man of His Word…much love to my sister in Christ
I know your feelings so well, and they are so deep and raw. I pray for you that each day you remember that this new life, that you may not have chosen, is yours to make what you need.
Praying for you. I liken divorce to an amputation – the marriage will no longer exist but there will always be phantom pains regarding it. There will always be that part of you that will say this should not be this way. So, lean hard in to him and keep giving him those ashes…
In His grace alone,
Karan
Beth, as one who walked in those pumps 6 days before, the most profound thing you’ve written is that regardless of the reality, the ink is not yet dry on the heart. Even Sharpies smear if you touch them too soon. It’s been 30 days now. I’m still not dry, but I will get there.
It’s also hard to lose the title: Wife. I guess you could say we are in good company… When Princess Diana divorced, she lost the title of wife and princess. Fairy tales aren’t supposed to work that way. The good news is God is greater than any of this and we will be fine, even if a little smudgy …