I have two Holy Spirits.
There’s the real One, the one that delivers guidance, comfort and hope when I can’t muster any on my own. 
And then there’s the other one. This other one is made up of three actual people I know who don’t like me and/or are mad at me, plus a handful of people I don’t know who disagree with my current life’s choices, plus my own shame. This is the one that whispers to me that I’m not strong enough, that I’m not healed enough yet (though I’m technically not even halfway through the healing process if statistics are correct…{one year of healing for every four years of marriage}), that I’m not kicking butt, that I’m a disappointment. It condemns me and judges me and makes me feel less-than.
Though I claim to be a follower of Christ and want the guidance of the real Holy Spirit, I make decisions by subconsciously running them by the fake and mean holy spirit.  For instance, I contacted some park districts and the local community college with the idea of teaching some classes.  They said yes.  This is all good and fine except I really don’t want to do this.  It’s not a bad thing, it fits what I like to do, but I have no true desire to do this specific thing.  And I’m not even sure I talked to God about it at all.  (Maybe I did, I honestly don’t remember).  But I know my only motivation was to attempt to please the condemning holy spirit that makes me feel like what I’m doing in my life right now (writing two books, writing articles, speaking, and leading guided retreats; oh yeah, and single mothering) is not enough.  (Enough what, my real Holy Spirit asks me.)
As I’m digging through my past and re-listening to the words that have stuck to me and shaped me and as I’m reading good advice to counter all those voices that is telling me to “stop seeing yourself through their eyes and trying to make them proud of you” (Henri Nouwen), I am realizing that I will more than likely never hear what I’m longing to hear, so why do I keep setting myself up and waiting for it?
Why do I make choices for my life based on what other people think about me? Especially what other people who think they know me but really don’t at all?
I keep saying that I believe that “only One opinion of me matters”. I just need to start living like it.
I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me.”  I Corinthians 4:3-4If my work has encouraged you and you’d like to partner with me as I reach out to help hurting women, click here  for more information.

Life isn't always how we want it. When change seems elusive, and we're stuck in old routines, a gentle push or some self-reflection can make a difference. Let these questions be that nudge to get you moving.

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