I’ve written them out. I’ve rehearsed them. I am longing to have them fill the air between us. I am desperate to be heard, finally, and understood, hopefully. To have the other look at me and nod, truly getting it for the first time. Conceding. Even, in my wildest dreams, apologizing.
The thing is, I already know I’m not going to say them. I’m not going to say what I feel deeply needs to be said. I’m going to allow awkward silences and insignificant small talk to reign, and I’m not going to do anything about it. I’m going to choose to not move this relationship forward in any way.
When I was thinking this through earlier, I said to myself, out loud, “Coward.”
I’ve always thought it’s the mature, the strong, who intentionally pursues mending conflicts and patching up wounds and reorienting misunderstandings.
But I’m beginning to see, a few years into a chosen tongue-holding on my part, that sometimes it’s the quiet path that is the stronger one.
I have some questions to ask myself. Do I want a bigger mess on my hands? Am I willing to risk saying the hard seemingly necessary things only to stir up more misunderstanding? Only to make the gap bigger? Only to realize that no matter how I paint the picture, we will never, ever see eye to eye? Which in turn, of course, will just make me feel worse, lonelier.
Or. Instead. Am I willing to admit surrender? Closure will not be coming. Not every word needs to be said. Not everyone can understand me, nor will they even try to. I believe in my deepest place that I am right and the other just needs to hear me out one final time and then the skies would break apart and everything would be so much better and kinder between us.
But I am choosing to see things clearly, in reality. And the reality is sometimes choosing not to burst forth with more words is the better thing to do.
I’m not choosing cowardice; I’m choosing, for now, an unspoken treaty. I’ll lay my invisible weapons down. I’ll talk about the weather. And I’ll know it’s okay.
I don’t need to desperately fight to be known and understood anymore by this particular other, for a few reasons. First, I’ve been living under the misguided assumption that I need this someone’s respect, support and love. When in reality, I simply want those things. There is a huge chasm between need and want, and now I can lay this down.
Secondly, I’m known and understood by many others who are so dear to me that they make up the sweetest parts of my life. I don’t need to be known and understood by everyone else. I already have their respect, support and love. My heart is full.
And finally, the Maker and Lover of my soul knows me completely, better than I know myself. And if I am truly precious and honored in his sight, and accepted just as I am, then I don’t need to convince anyone else of who I am and why I feel the way I feel.
Love is letting me let go.
If this post helped you, I would encourage you to check out “Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage”, found here.
Thank you, Elizabeth. Beautifully said. And true.
I am signing my divorce papers on Thursday. This along with a lot of other messy emotional stuff in my life right now makes these words a breath of fresh air to me. Closure will not always happen in a neat tied up package. Not every word that I imagine myself saying will be said….but it is okay because the Maker and Lover of my soul knows me.
Sometimes being a “coward” is the bravest thing. My husband is estranged from his family. It took me years to truly understand that he is not a “coward” for not trying to work it out. He has tried and all he’s gotten is heartache and disappointment. He has every right to be angry and bitter but he’s not. He is living fully in a new life. And I believe that by letting go, you will be, too.
i understand. we continue to slog through mediation, in order to reach a separation agreement. the sessions can by 6+ hours long. so much to say, yet so little “hearing.” in the words of our mediators, “the two of you have become polarized without any room for agreement.” i’ve had to ask myself, “Even if i’ve never been able to *say it all,* has he accepted what little I *have* said?” and the answer is always no. it’s only in my fairy tales world that saying MORE brings understanding. now, i deliberately ask myself the question, “has he listened on this topic before?” if the answer is no, then more words are probably not my solution. SO difficult for a person like me who thinks good communication can always bring reconcilliation. I’ve also been able to put it in God’s hands by reminding myself that if he ever *truly* wants “to know” then he can come and find me and ask…..
Quite simply said…thank you for writing this and being real….You stated how I have felt and feel….wow. Thank you Lord.
In my humble opinion, I think you are choosing the wise way. Jesus also chose to remain quiet under his accusers because He knew God had his back. It’ll take time to heal the inner parts of your heart and mind but with Jesus as your Healer, all will be well. I thank and praise God that you are loved and respected by family and friends, that is also a wonderful gift from Him. May our Lord continue to guide you and bless you always……