I am feeling super raw this week. A tear at every turn. I’m looking at the bare walls of my office, with U-Haul boxes packed up and filling each nook and cranny of my home. My kids and I are moving next weekend. I’m exposed and fragile. I’m saying goodbyes to every little thing. Last time sitting outside on that bench with that view. Last time riding my John Deere. Last time ordering pizza from our favorite in-town place. Last Saturday night together, the three of us, on this couch in this house. 

Add to that, meanness continues to follow me. From people I know and people I don’t. It’s been several weeks of feeling attacked, accused, knowing I have actual enemies. It’s quite unsettling. This is chaos to me. And I hate living in chaos. 

I was sitting at my desk a couple days ago, procrastinating from packing yet again, and I looked up at my sweet little pond view to see a deer walking down my driveway, right past my window.  I jumped up with glee and ran upstairs to try to get a better look, but I was too late.  Moments later, he came walking the other way, something startled him, and he leapt and ran down my driveway.  He leapt. It was gorgeous. I was grinning from ear to ear, and clapping, and thanking Jesus for one final deer spotting before we move. 

A couple hours later, I came home to see that my one neighbor had put up a wire fence blocking the entrance to her driveway, along with a cd.  (She has cd’s hanging all over her yard to keep deer away…yeah…)  And I was so struck by our completely opposite reactions to the deer sighting.  I had seen the deer and practically danced with joy, and she had seen the deer and erected a fence with a clear message to the deer and all his friends…keep out. 

I don’t know what deer have done to her in the past to leave her not only not enjoying them, but trying to keep them away, but it’s so sad. And there’s a lesson in there for me. 

My response to the deer might’ve been naïve and childlike, but I will take naïve and childlike over skeptical and hardened any day.  My response to my move might be considered melodramatic to some (goodbye, last drive from this house to the library; goodbye, last trip down my long driveway in cold weather to get my mail, etc.), but I will take melodramatic and in touch with my emotions over apathetic any day.  My response to all the judgment and harsh words might be foolish and a waste of time…actually, it is. Every moment that I continue to waste stewing over the words of people who have never met me or are out to get me or prove me wrong and who do so with disrespect and without an ounce of love behind their actions, is a moment I can’t get back, and I do not want to be foolish or a time-waster. 

So, may my heart, that is so naïve and is so raw from goodbyes and so tired of being hurt, never erect jagged fences around it to keep the good things out, and may it stay wide open, always looking for the joy and fun and the emotion and the good of each moment, but most importantly, for Jesus in it all. 

*I will be taking some time off from my blog for my move.  My wish is a peaceful and gratitude-filled Thanksgiving holiday for you, your friends and your family.

If this post encouraged you, you would benefit from “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here or “Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman”, found here.