People tend to not like talking about the hard things in life. I, on the other hand, seem to be building my career on it. I wouldn’t have chosen that, say twenty years ago, or predicted it, but here we are.
So today I want to sit with sadness. I’m sad these days. And it’s okay, really. It is just another emotion on the continuum. The ideal in life, though if television and movies and romance novels were the indicators, is not actual joy every waking moment. What fun, honestly, would that be?
But I’m carrying a sadness that reflects the messy state of my life. I was walking down my long driveway to get the mail. It was sunny. Slight breeze. 70s maybe. The leaves were rustling, and some brightly colored ones were slowly drifting to the ground. I was taking deep breaths. And I felt…nothing. I tend to find such joy in days and moments like this, but right now, my emotions seem dulled.
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?, the psalmist asked himself. He had his reasons and I have mine. I know my every reason. A downcast soul is justified and explainable for me right now.
Here’s the part that I’m struggling with a bit. I tend to want to do something to turn things like this around. Either tell myself that it’s really not all that bad (and in comparison to others, it’s not). Or write out a gratitude list where I can see in black and white how much I have to be thankful for (I have, and I do). Or push through on a new project to distract myself (done and done…wrote an essay and an article, and looked for health insurance, phone plans and laptops, all in the past two days).
But maybe it’s okay to just be kinda sad. My life is good and I am so blessed. But my life is hard and I am hurting.
So for now, I’m getting dressed each day, getting my kids to school, spending some time with God, writing some thoughts down that may or may not help others at some point in time, doing laundry, grocery shopping, making sure my children know I love them, and trying to figure out what’s next. I laugh through some moments, but more moments right now are quieter. My hope is in God, that he’s bringing me through each day, and I do praise and thank him for that.
But I have a downcast soul, and instead of fighting it or beating myself up for it, I’m just going to hand it over to Jesus and ask him what he wants to do with it.
thanks for your honesty. Praying God would overwhelm you with his nearness right now.
hang in there.
Yes — thank you for your honesty. I went through 3+ years like that. I thought it would never end. I feel like I’m finally getting on the other side of it finally. What you need to realize is that you are grieving, and you’re going to go through the stages of grief with what you are going through and it’s all normal. Very difficult — I’ve been there, and done that, but God did bring me through it and I came out better on the other side of it.
The difficult time I’m referring to the last three years has to do with my health, and stress with my new family — blended family. I would say it was more difficult that my divorce. But God was so good and faithful, and took care of me through both of those situations. I learned to lean on Him as my husband while I was without a husband, and asked Him to take care of me. There were so many nights that He really, truly did comfort me and took care of my needs that honestly, sometimes I miss those times now that I’m remarried. May sound weird — but that time I had with the Lord was precious. I pray the Lord blesses you during this time, and you grow even closer to Him during this time. Bless you Elizabeth.
Michele. Matthew 11:28 “Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”
Elisabeth, I’ve been there. Thanks for sharing. It’s always helps to know you’re not alone. Hope God wraps his arms around you today.
Beth, thanks for your honesty. I went through my divorce after 30+ years two years ago. I hid my emotions and dug into building a house. May hundreds of mistakes and kept burying my emotions. Guess what, now they are coming out! My 4 years of a christian was so joyful and I mean every minute. These last two years, felt like God has left me and I don’t know anything, deep down I know He didn’t. So learning about myself all over and trying to figure things out isn’t always easy. But leaning on Jesus is my release and my hope! God promised to be our Husband (Isa 54). And it is ok to be sad and crawl up into our Daddy’s lap and release it! I enjoy your post. Thank you!!
Thank you so much, I Have been grieving for the last 3 years in a seperated but living together relationship, such a hostile environment where I do not want to offend God by filing for divorce, because how does an abused woman of 20 years stand up walk free and start again, Thank you so much I have not cried sine the beginning of this year As read I cried and have asked God to comfort me and you. Thanks for being so open
Emotions are something we just need in our lives, there are emotions that just take over us without you knowing why they are in you, it is like you said, part of the continuum.