There are some circumstances in my life that I am feeling hugely guilty about, that I am hearing myself apologize for.
I have a friend whose marriage is ending. Her situation differs from mine in that she is still living with her spouse. Not because she wants to, mind you, but because, financially, they have to. I cannot imagine having to do walk out this emotionally devastating journey in those circumstances.
I am buying a home for me and my children. But not because I have the cold hard cash sitting around to do so. No. I’ve been a stay at home mom, for the most part, for the past fifteen years. I am only able to do this because my father and stepmother are kindly and generously loaning me the money.
The home that I am buying is beyond my expectations. Jesus was right when he told me a ways back that he was preparing a place that my kids and I would all love. We do. It’s beautiful. And I am paying about half of what it’s probably really worth. I could never afford this place if the real estate market were different.
And so I feel bad about these things. I don’t deserve these things. I didn’t earn these things. In this situation, I am not woman-hear-me-roar. I am woman-blessed-in-unexplainable-ways-by-God-and-those-who-love-me-who-is-having-to-humble-herself-and-ask-for-and-accept-help. I prefer to roar.
I feel like God is blessing me too much. I feel like when I will show people my house, they will judge me, and think I’m spoiled, and think I tapped myself out to get this amazing house that I surely don’t need.
I feel like I want to put a sign in my new yard that says, “Don’t hate me…I can’t really afford this house either.”
But it’s occurring to me how wrong this thinking is. In apologizing and over-explaining the situation, I’m downplaying the blessing. I should be celebrating. (I am, don’t get me wrong…when I found out I got this house, I started crying in Target, and then I kept crying the rest of the day.) But I mean, I shouldn’t be stuffing it down because of what others might think. People who really love me will celebrate with me, not judge me.
And this is reason to celebrate. I know I didn’t earn this new place by turning in my martyr points. God just simply gave it to us. He is providing for us through my father and stepmom, and then he super-sized it just for kicks. Without cause or reason. Just because he’s who he is.
He has trusted me with difficult seasons over the years — many, many of them — but now, I believe, he is choosing to trust me with this blessing. How will I use it? Will I squander it, or invite others into my home, sharing the blessing? Will I take it for granted as soon as we settle in or will I remain super grateful every day I get to call it home? Will I mumble apologies or will I point out the giver of this gift to all who ask?
Starting right now, I’m not sorry God is blessing me. Because he wouldn’t want me to be sorry.