I have moments when I can’t believe this is my life. Sometimes I mean that in a horrible way, as in, when did this mess appear? But other times, it’s utter humility.
Today is one of those moments. Today I cannot believe that Jesus died on the cross for me. That can be one of those sentences that is totally misconstrued the way “I shot an elephant in my pajamas” tends to be. So let me make myself clear.
I completely with everything in me down to my core believe that God exists. That Jesus Christ is his Son. That Jesus came to earth as a baby, born of a virgin. That he lived a sinless, beautiful life on this sin-wrecked, sometimes awful planet of ours. That he was condemned to die without just cause. That he took to the cross. That he took on the sins of the world. That he bled and died. That he fulfilled Scripture upon Scripture, down to the last detail of what would happen with his clothing, of no bones being broken, of his final words, and so much more.
I believe all of it. It is almost as if I were created to believe all of it. This just happened. This is not a fairy tale. Just because I didn’t see George Washington with my own eyes as our first president, I still believe it is true. I believe that Jesus died on the cross.
So here is what I mean when I say that today I cannot believe that Jesus died on the cross for me. It’s the for me part. I’ve heard it said time and time again that Jesus loves me so much he would have died if I were the only person alive. But it’s equally true that if I were the only person alive, he would have had to die. I’m that much of a mess. I, personally, am that much of a sinner. I carry enough sin around with me daily to keep me, on my own, separated from the perfection and holiness of God.
But then there’s Jesus. My Lord, my Savior, my Redeemer, my Love. The absolute Love of my life. He took it all on because he couldn’t bear the thought of me staying separated from God.
Grateful is too small of a word today. I owe my life to this Jesus. The life I live, though difficult, is rich and deep and beautiful and run through with joy humming as its background noise for only one reason…Jesus died for me…to save me, to buy me back, to bring me life, to be with me.
Today, I will quietly sit in the knowledge that Someone gave his life for me and there is nothing I did to deserve it.