My daughter gave me a quiz the other night…one of those getting-to-know-you-better things.I had to answer ten questions to determine what kind of travel style I have (meaning, would I prefer to travel by plane, train or car).Sounds benign, right?
Well, here’s what I noticed a couple questions in. For each question, I answered what I know I’d do in real life and then I found myself being drawn to an entirely different answer. Example: when the alarm goes off, do you, a) pop up out of bed right away, b) lay in bed thinking about your plans for the day, or c) hit snooze five times. I told her I get up right away but that I wish I could sleep later almost every day. Still no big deal, right?
Except that I was able to give separate “in real life” answers and “wishful thinking” answers for every single question. I walked away from that quiz not caring if I’d prefer to take a plane, a train or a car to get somewhere, but thinking how bizarre it is that apparently I live a completely conflicted life. In ten separate instances, I wished I could do something differently than I actually feel I must do in my real life.
I am currently in a complicated situation.It’s emotional and relational and, well, a bit of a mess.And the sad, sad thing is is that I know what I should be aiming for “in real life” (i.e. what I’m guessing God wants) and I know what my heart really wants in “wishful thinking” land, and they are two totally different scenarios.
The heart wants what it wants, so they say.
Again I quote Paul, from Romans 7, I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.
I’m torn.I’m conflicted.I’m pulled.I want one thing but know I will do another.Sometimes the things I want are good and pleasing and honorable and true and I actually follow through.But sometimes, the things I want are really, really bad, and it’s a darn good thing that I choose to do another.
And then there are other times…times when my heart has to fight it out with itself. Times when, at the onset, I cannot tell which side is going to win. That’s where I’m at right now.
But I suppose just the fact that I am calling it like I see it, that I’m not denying my inner conflict, is a step in the right direction.And today, that’s going to have to be enough.