I am a grateful mess.That phrase came to my mind today as I sat with the elements in my hand.I’ve been following Jesus for almost twenty four years which means I have more than likely taken communion, on this side of actually believing in Him, around two hundred and fifty times.I am of the belief that you should only observe communion after entering into a personal relationship with Christ, if you’re taking the thing seriously and reverently, and if you’re not currently in a season of sin.
Well, in the past twenty four years, I have taken it as a believer.Check.But in the past twenty four years, I can tell you that I have not always taken it in reverence and holy wonder.Nor have I always been, clear throat, sinless.Let me explain what I mean by that.There is the daily sins that trip us up, that communion brings to the light in a sense, and we can look at and shed through asking of forgiveness and accepting the truth that Jesus took it on for us, and then there are the times when we’re in habitual, private sin.I have taken communion during those times.In other words, there are times I’ve done it when I had no business taking it.
But what hit me this morning was beauty. There is a beauty in the ritual. There’s beauty in the cycle, the rhythm, of another month going by (as our church does it) and looking back and realizing, as Matt Redmond’s words reminded me today that…
And once again I look upon the cross where You died
I’m humbled by Your mercy and I’m broken inside
Once again I thank You
Once again I pour out my life
See, I was mid-self-beating-up.Oh, this darn thing that I can’t shake.How I want to be different.How I want a clean slate.How each month I say to myself, this is the month.But here I am, once again pouring out my life, once again thanking God for taking my sin upon Himself.And as I sat there, in a room of maybe two hundred other adults doing the same thing I was doing, I realized that once again, we were all coming back to Him.Surely I’m not the only with things that hold me down that I can’t seem to change, though there is progress and mercy and grace and growth, thankfully.But we were all, once again, one measly month later, back on our knees before God saying we need Him again.Still.
A grateful mess.I’ll be a mess as long as I’m taking a breath.And dear God, I pray, I’ll be a grateful one for all of my days as well.
If this post helped you, I would encourage you to check out “Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage”, found here.