I have a lot of holes inside of me. Emotional and spiritual holes. Some I was born with, others developed because of things that have happened to me along the way, and some, to be honest, are holes I ripped open wide myself.
It’s taken me a long time to embrace the word needy as a self-description. Who wants to say they are needy? No one as far as I can tell. But I am. And it’s not just that I have needs, as does every person on the planet. But I’ve got some unmet ones. (Clearing throat…so do you.)
I have found over the years a myriad ways of trying to fill them up.I’ve been like the kid who stuck his thumb in the dam.I’ve used food, shopping, TV watching, computer surfing, people, just to name a few ways.But one can only do that for so long.
It’s only maybe been the past year or so that I’ve actually figured out what my needs are, determined which ones tend to go unmet, and then took the long hard look inside to see how I’ve been inappropriately trying to meet them. Not pretty.
And it’s only been in recent months when I realized how all these things fit together and how I do actually have a choice to break the patterns of how I try to unhealthily fill up those empty spaces inside.
And an even more recent revelation, as in yesterday — maybe it’s okay if I sit with the emptiness from time to time.Not every longing has to be met.What a concept.
So something I started praying, like yesterday, was that Jesus would truly become my enough. He already is, I just don’t always let Him be that for me. And that I would go to Him for those things. And that, when those things still don’t pan out the way I’d like (remember, it’s promise fulfillment not wish fulfillment we’re after), that I’ll still be okay, and won’t go running in a dangerous direction. Or seven. (What can I say, I’m so very human…)
So this holiday, and hopefully from now on, I’m looking for more than that sweet Baby to come.I’m looking for the mighty-to-save Savior to remind me that He indeed is big enough for all that I’m wanting and needing Him to be, and then some.