Whenever I start something new that I’m not sure I can do, or whenever I take on a task that I know God has called me to, I hear voices. Not like “prepare to be taken to the moon in a spaceship” kind of voices, though that might be kinda cool.
But things like “you don’t know enough about AIDS to lead that team” and “who do you think you are to give a talk on relationships” and “seriously, you’re going to lead these women? you can’t lead yourself…hell-o, remember yesterday?”
Nice.
Today, I took on a new task. But yesterday had to happen first. Yesterday was a day of being beaten down. Of a few things inside breaking and then shifting. Of being reminded, as if I didn’t already know this, that I have not by any means arrived, thereby ensuring my humility. Of being depleted of words and of what to do next. Of feeling like I hadn’t really changed all that much like I thought I had.
So I woke up this morning doubting some things. And totally empty. Empty of, well, myself. Which I realized, as it turns out, is a really great way to come to God and a really great place to be before starting something new.
Because this pretty much guaranteed that I wouldn’t be showing up to this new thing with all my answers, in all my energy, with all my strength.Because my answers didn’t quite cut it yesterday, and my energy was long gone, and my strength…well, what strength?
And when you’re empty, you are more apt to go looking to be filled. Thankfully, I came to the Source of Life for my filling today. I don’t always, I’m sorry to say, but this morning I did.
And the Spirit led me to these words from Psalm 63:
7 Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
8 My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.
And I pictured myself sitting closely, as closely as I could get, under the wings of the Most High.I can sit there because He is my help and my fortress and I trust Him.And I pictured my soul clinging to Him.And I pictured Him just to my left as his right hand held me up and held me close.And I asked Him to fill me with his energy, with his joy, with his gentleness, with his love.That his Holy Spirit would fill up all of my empty places, and today, there were many.
I walked away not as thirsty, not so empty, not as weary, not so defeated. I walked away ready. Am I competent in my own strength to be what these two friends need, to roll away some stones? No. But II Corinthians 12:9a says, “But He said to me, ‘For my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in {your} weakness.’”
Not perfect for these girls…don’t need to be.They’re not looking for it or expecting it or need it.Just doing the best I can…as filled up as I can.
