I messed up today.Messed up is too much of a kid glove phrase.It also sounds accidental.Or like I spilled something.
So I’ll rephrase for accuracy and authenticity.I sinned today.It was something that I hadn’t done in awhile, something that I’ve been working on.
So needless to say, I was angry with myself. So disappointed. And, because of the current level of intimacy with Jesus, felt so immediately disconnected.
I hate sinning. At first, I did what I usually do when I sin. That is, when I actually acknowledge it to myself. I told Jesus I was sorry. I went to my Bible and read Psalm 51, reminding myself that it was God I had just sinned against. And then I turned to I John 1:9 that says, “If you confess your sin, God is faithful and just and will forgive you of your sin and cleanse you from all unrighteousness.” Which was good to hear, because I immediately wanted reconnection. I wanted to get back in His good graces as soon as I could.
So I told Him I was sorry.Then, outloud, I claimed the promise that I was forgiven and clean and restored and could move on.Because I didn’t feel like it.In fact, hours later, I’m still under a dark cloud that I might not shake until the morning.But that’s actually my problem.Because it’s not like the forgiveness will kick in with tomorrow’s new mercies and I have to wait until then for the results.It kicked in the moment I asked for it.
Which leads me to a new reason why I hate sin.Because it makes me very self-aware.Too self-focused.Hard times do this to me, making me look down and in.Accomplishments do this to me, making me look around yet somehow still in.And sin does this to me, making me hang my head, shaming myself, making faces at myself in the proverbial mirror, not wanting to believe Truth.
And I was reminded of the Jesus of a couple days ago, who is the same today and yesterday and tomorrow, who was casually leaning against my door jam chewing gum (in my head, people…don’t leave a ton of comments), and the thing I felt him say to me then, “Eyes on Me, baby,” is the same thing I felt him say to me again. As in, it’s over. You said you were sorry. I forgave you. It might happen again. But we’ll deal with it then. Snapping to get my attention, eyes back on Me.
He is so good to me.So gentle.He loves me so much.He restores me.And if only I remember this, it just might stop me from doing the stupid thing again.
