Someone actually typed the following sentence into Google and wound up on my website:
47 divorced female hate my life
This makes me so very sad. Now, I don’t consider myself to be an optimistic person (total realist) or a Pollyanna (I want to strangle people who try to feed me clichés when I’m in a hard stretch), but even when I have bad days or weeks or swirly panic months and I can’t seem to get excited about my life (or as I said to a friend a little ways back, “I have nothing to look forward to” {I KNOW I have heaven to look forward to; that’s not what I meant}), I don’t think I have ever really been able to say that I hate my life. Even when I was in the thick of my hard marriage and crying every day. Even when I was wallowing in my new divorce-ness.
My life has been hard. I have seen some really tough stretches. But I have never hated my life.
Which is why this sentence – “47 divorced female hate my life” – breaks my heart.
I have a feeling, however, that this sweet 47-year-old divorced female is not the only person to feel that way. So in case she comes back to my blog, I’m writing this for her, and for every woman who feels like life is just too hard or she is just too sad to want to keep going. And I’m writing it for the friend who tweeted that she wished her current story weren’t her story. I completely get this.
What I’m about to say kinda flies in the face of a little something I believe that all we really deserve in life is hell so anything above and beyond that is icing. (That might sound like a really dark lens to view life through but I’m tellin’ ya, when you think that way, all of life’s gifts feel like extravagances, seriously. And it keeps that whole entitlement sin from creeping in too.)
Anyway, I ran across this verse today, that I’m sure I have read hundreds of times, and it sort of did a little something to my heart.
I am expecting the Lord to rescue me again, so that once again I will see his goodness to me here in the land of the living. –Psalm 27:13
This sounds to me like I maybe should be expecting a tad more from God in my lifetime. Now, to be clear, not that I will get and deserve every single thing that I want. He’s not a vending machine or a my fairy godmother. He’s God. But good things from God are not just relegated to heaven according to this verse…in the land of the living. In other words, now-ish. While, you know, we’re still alive.
Which reminds me of this verse that people have been telling me for years regarding my difficult marriage:
I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten… –Joel 2:25
So all this to say, please hear me when I say this:
I know how hard life can be.
I have spent decades in hidden pain.
I have sob-cried while lying on my bathroom floor more often than I remember, begging Jesus to just take me home already.
I have been in such sadness that I could feel an actual ache in my chest.
Life is hard. Life is filled with pain.
Life doesn’t always go the way we hope or plan.
People can hurt you and betray you.
You can feel alone.
And yet, I know these things to be even more true:
God is good.
God loves you.
God is the giver of good gifts.
You are created by God.
He has a plan for your life that is good (even when it feels bad).
Jesus came to bring you abundant life.
I am so, so deeply sorry that you are in pain today.
I am so sorry that life feels unendurable.
I am so sorry that you hate where you find yourself.
I know, sweet one, I’ve been there.
But please know this:
Your life matters.
Your life is of deep value.
You are loved.
You are seen.
Your life is worth living.
Your life will turn around.
It may not turn around today or tomorrow. It may not look the way you want it to look.
But I believe that you can take heart, because you will see God’s goodness in the land of the living.
If this post encouraged you, you are invited to join me in a 15-week journey, Heartbreak to Hope: Your Complete Guide to Divorce Healing. Let’s turn your life around! Registration closes SOON, so get on in here, girl!
This may have been written to someone else, but it is exactly what I needed to hear today. I’ve been right here. Recently. Thank you for sharing your heart and being so encouraging.
I am not married, or divorced, but this year I have felt deep pain, in particular pain of betrayal. My heart has ached and I have sobbed in silence, knowing it may only be Jesus who truly understands. This has been a great comfort, thank you so much. xx
I enjoy your writing and appreciate your vulnerability. As Brene Brown would say, you are definitely “daring greatly.” I also could deeply resonate with your change of name to be a bit more protective of your children. A Christian woman blogger (who left an abusive marriage) shared with me recently that she doesn’t write about her past because her story doesn’t belong to her alone. She now has adult children and she felt/feels that to share would negatively impact their relationship with their father. I have felt a desire to share my story in a more public fashion, but my story “doesn’t just belong to me.” I am trying to figure that out.
Nevertheless, we need more women to speak out about domestic violence especially in the church because it is th
I wonder a little about your statement that “all we really deserve in life is hell.” I think I get the place that you are coming from in terms of our not having a stance in life that we are entitled. However, since I assume that many of your readers are women who are in or who have left difficult and or destructive marriages, I feel a little uncomfortable with this statement. That sentiment can cause women to continue to remain in an abusive situation, since all she really deserves is hell. I think abusers can use this sort of sentiment to continue to manipulate and abuse. I think it can also cause a woman to think “I don’t deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.”
How does this square with Jesus’ words “I have come that (you) might have life and that (you) might have it that much more abundantly?” We are His workmanship, created in His image.
I wasn’t finished with my comment….LOL
I was going to say that we need more women to speak out about domestic violence, especially in the church because it is happening. Thank you for your work and your COURAGE!!!
If all we deserve in life is hell, what meaning should we attach to this statement in terms of interpersonal relationships?
I think Elizabeth is saying that “we all deserve hell “ as based on our own sinfulness; that without Christ’s redemption we are all in hell.
I believe that when women (especially) are in the midst of this type of situation they “hate” what life’s become for them. I loathed dealing with everything myself & making all the parenting decisions w/o another adult to discuss them with. It was difficult to see how I’d cope with things & get through the day, week, or month… But as time went on, I began to realize that I’d done most of this on my own for years-it was the sudden loss of my partner & mate that made it all seem unsurmountable. So, do I still “hate” that I’m solely responsible for all if not most decisions-Yes. Is it frustrating that my co-parent can’t or won’t communicate changes to his schedule that effect me-Yes. I’ve learned to accept all these faults & know that we’ll always be tied to one another through our children & there is nothing I can do to make him a different person then who he has always been. My life goes on & I’ll be ok.
I have said, “I hate my life” when I was in the midst of my divorce and unrelenting traumatic events. While I was going through my divorce, I discovered that my ex had given away thousands and thousands of our joint money to his paramour; the ex wiped out my son’s college investment accounts; my drug-addicted son was expecting a child out of wedlock with his 19 year old girlfriend who was also an addict; my home was burglarized and I lost all of my jewelry; a deer hit my car causing $5k worth of damage; and I was trying to prep my 30 year old home for a sale. Additionally I hosted a baby shower and a wedding at my home in the midst of all this…..
I was in such pain and despair. I prayed multiple times to die. I felt cursed by God….. I just couldn’t believe how many traumatic things I was dealing with at the same time! Literally my son’s wedding which I arranged at my home , the deer damaging my car and the burglary were all in the same month!!!! All of this was just three months before my divorce date after 35 years of marriage!
I am 3.5 years past that horrendous month, although there were many just horrible months. I can attest life has gotten better although it is still hard. I am raising the grandchild born to these drug addicts. She is a joy but it has been a challenge now being a single grandma , with the unexpected daycare expenses and exhaustion of having a toddler.
I currently don’t hate my life, but I understand the despair that leads one to make that statement. For me, time has been the great healer and seeing how God can lead us through ghastly circumstances. I truly believe God has pulled me out of Egypt, and he has led me through the wilderness and while I don’t see the promised land yet, I see good things. I realize my purpose, for now, is to raise this child. To provide her with a home, stability and faith in God. I feel happy and blessed, which is something I never thought I would feel during my crying jags and deep grief. Thank the good Lord!!
Thank you for this, E.
Vikki,
Thank you for reaching out. This tells me that you are in need of support AND that you are ready to take steps to get the help that you need.
Here are my best resources created and curated just for you.
separated or divorced or single mom?
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And know this:
You are not alone.
You are not crazy.
You will not always feel this way.
You are so much more loved by God than you think you are.
Much, much love,
-Elisabeth