The day after I asked Jesus into my heart all the way back when I was 15, I went to school all dressed up – skirt, heals, curled my hair, the whole nine years – and floated around all day. Umm, I mean that pretty literally. I actually physically felt like I was floating, like I was lighter, like something had viscerally happened to every particle of my being. It was absolutely amazing. (I maybe have never told anyone this.)
That feeling lasted maybe a day, day-and-a-half.
I’ve never heard anyone else say they felt that way after accepting Jesus. I don’t think it’s a thing. It’s not in the Bible. I will enter your heart and then you will float, thus saith the LORD… Umm, no.
But I do remember feeling – not so much physically beyond that one day but in other ways – different. Like something significant and real had happened to me.
And I had highs and mountaintop stretches and I felt something special, I felt like I truly were in actual communion on an ongoing basis with the God of the universe, with my Heavenly Father.
And this of course ebbed and flowed over those first few years, as things in life tend to do.
But I would have the occasional stretch of feeling super close with Jesus, and I would relish those times. Sometimes days, sometimes weeks, sometimes a couple months. Of utter intimacy, he was right there with me, whispering, nudging, with me.
But I’ve been walking this road now for thirty-three years. And most mornings, I stop to sit on my couch with a cup of tea and my journal and my Bible and my copy of Courage to Change and maybe another devotional book and I intentionally talk to Jesus about my life.
I talk to him throughout the day, as if he were my buddy, my closest friend. In my head when I’m not alone, outloud when I am.
I attend weekly church services.
My closest friends share the same desire to be close with God.
I listen to worship music every morning while I’m going about starting my day.
In other words, I’m doing the thing.
And yet, I don’t remember the last time I felt that long-lasting feeling. Years maybe? Yeah, probably years.
Don’t get me wrong. I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that God is Emmanuel, with me all the time. My faith experience informs what I believe when my feelings don’t line up.
And, I do have glimpses. Coincidences that cannot possibly be coincidences. A Scripture or note or text or article coming at the exact moment I am in need. A sunset that leaves me wondering how in the world anyone can think we’re all just an big accident. Answers to prayer, evidence of his faithfulness, et cetera.
But I want and need more Jesus. I’m homesick. Truly. And I’ve told him that. More. I want more.
Now, please don’t comment that if God feels far away you’re the one who’s moved. I hate that saying. Especially because, I haven’t moved. I’m here. I’m open. I’m waiting. I’m asking. I’m expectant. I’m hopeful. I’m trusting. Sometimes he’s just quiet. And that’s okay.
So, I guess I’m just writing today to say that if you’re in the same boat, keep moving forward. Keep asking to see him in your life. Keep showing up, girls. This thing we’re doing is worth it! God’s love never fails and his presence will never leave us, no matter what we feel.
Keep walking. Keep believing. Keep drawing near. Don’t lose hope. Don’t lose heart.
We walk by faith not by sight. -II Corinthians 5:7
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