My husband is mad at me today. And I am not very pleased with him either. We typically text several times an hour all day along when he’s at work and I’m working from home. We have not texted for five hours today. (For the record, between the time of this writing and the time of this posting publicly will be about six months. When I go back to edit this in the Winter, I will not remember what we weren’t talking about back in the Spring.)
But I hate days like this.
I lived almost nineteen years with the low hum of marital discord as the background music of my life. I got used to it. I hated it but it was my norm. The ever-so-slight upset stomach all the time. The mind obsession, trying to unravel all our marriage knots in my head all by myself.
Then I was released to separate – by God, by my elders – and he responded by divorcing me.
And then I didn’t have to think about my marriage all day every day and how to fix it and what did I do wrong this time, and the relief and space that swelled in my heart and mind and life were immense. So much so that I wrote like ten books in a couple years out of the abundance of mind-freedom that now was my life.
And then I fell in love with a kind man who loves me deeply.
But man oh man are we different. And boy oh boy is remarriage a potential landmine. And, whoooeee, is co-parenting and blended family life T-R-I-C-K-Y.
So, we’re not connected today, something that I have now come to take for granted. On disconnected days, I’m thrown back ten or fifteen or twenty years, and I’m insecure and I’m sad and I sigh a lot and ask Jesus for help more.
Because there is such a simple beauty to our regular connected days. It’s not deep or profound and yet it so totally is. It’s that I know I’m loved and I don’t question it for a second and I don’t think I’m crazy and I’m not over-apologizing and I’m not checking my phone every half hour and I’m working and coaching and writing and serving and cleaning and walking and biking and living my life, in freedom, because he and I are okay.
So I wish it were a connected day today. But that’s what tomorrow is for. In the meantime, sweet Jesus, hold us both closer, and bring us closer together.
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