I dreamt that I ran into Beth Moore and she suggested we have a slumber party. Obviously. And as we were lounging around in our pink matching jammies (because why not?), she asked me, “If you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?”

My automatic, knee-jerk, heart’s deepest desire, subconscious answer: RELATIONAL PEACE

Deep down, I am just a little girl in a middle-aged woman’s body who has always, always just wanted everyone to like me.

And there are, if I’m counting correctly, ten people who have at one point known me well and loved me, who are no longer in my life, who are disappointed in me, who are judging me, who have distanced themselves from me, who have un-chosen me, who no longer love me. TEN. And that’s just who I know of.

(That also doesn’t take into account my naysayers and critics, those who don’t know me in real life but who sit in judgment upon me and write mean things to me and about me. But, and no offense to you all, I don’t count you. I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to carry your judgment on my shoulders.)

I cannot remember the last time I had NO ONE upset with me. (I’d have to go back to my childhood and I wish I were kidding.) And I am a little bit sad about it all the time.

But here’s the thing.

When I mess up, I know that I mess up.
When I mess up, I am a woman who owns it.
When I mess up, I apologize sincerely. And my apologies hold weight. They mean something.

If I hurt you, I will apologize to you from the bottom of my heart. But I will no longer apologize one thousand times as I used to. You will receive one genuine apology.

What you do with it is up to you.

And if I hurt you, and you push me away, I will pursue you. I will make it clear that I love you and I want you in my life. But I will no longer chase you down and try to convince you that I’m worthy of your love.

If you have walked away and then decide you want a relationship with me, that will be up to you, and I will welcome you back into my life with open arms and a God-protected heart.

I falter between these two states, when I’m faced with this kind of situation:

utter despair, crying, grieving, obsessing, rehashing, begging and pleading, over-apologizing, apologizing for parts that aren’t even my responsibility

and

you know what?? I’m a darn good person, friend, mother, wife, fill-in-the-blank, and if you walk away from me, you will be missing out because I added love and support and prayer to your life and that’s your loss

Neither camp is healthy or Jesus-y. Neither is sustainable.

So, if I hurt you, I will say I’m sorry. And then I will let you go. And then I will love the people in front of me who want my love.

Relational peace is my dream. One day. Maybe it’ll happen one day.

If this post resonated with you, I have a handful of resources for you. I’d love for you to join my closed Facebook group – Hope & Healing.
I’d also love for you to grab your free copy of my e-book “You’re Going to Make It Through“.
And, let’s talk. I’d love to come alongside you in your healing. 

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