I received an email that said, basically, I married a man I shouldn’t have married. There were red flags and I married him out of my loneliness. And now it’s really bad and I don’t know what to do.
First of all, let me say, I am so very sorry. I am sorry that you are living the pain of a difficult marriage. I have an entire e-book of tips for getting through a difficult marriage, but I will say this to you:
DO NOT ISOLATE. You do not have to try to figure this out on your own. Do not let the embarrassment you may feel for “doing this too yourself” keep you from getting the help that you need. So, my absolute best suggestion for you is this: get into Christian counseling. Tell this counselor the truth, even if it is so hard to say.
BEG GOD to work and to heal and to show you your next steps. Ask him, humbly, what you can be working on to make your relationship stronger.
IF YOU ARE UNSAFE or your children are unsafe, or if anything illegal is being done in your home, tell someone and put up boundaries and get help.
And now to those of you are not married yet or who are considering remarriage, please, please, please take this as a cautionary tale.
Being single and lonely is hard, yes. I’ve been there.
Being divorced and lonely is hard, yes. I’ve been there too.
But there is nothing – and I mean, nothing – like the pain of being married and lonely.
And, I would imagine, there is nothing like the pain of considering a second (or third) divorce.
This pain – for those of you are still single, not yet remarried – can be prevented. You do not have to end up on the other side of a marriage that you hate, that is adding to the messes of your life, that is bringing you more pain. YOU DO NOT. You can make better choices – even if they feel harder now – to spare yourself future pain.
Because listen to me, single woman: if your life is a mess…MARRIAGE (good or bad) WILL NOT FIX YOUR MESSES. MARRIAGE WILL NOT AUTOMATICALLY MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER. Marriage was not meant for that.
It can assuage your loneliness, to some degree, but only if it’s a healthy marriage.
It can provide you with a partner, with companionship, but only if it’s comprised of two attempting-to-become whole and holy people.
It can provide fun and laughter and shared purpose, but only if it’s a marriage that is not filled with abuse and addiction and unfaithfulness.
If you are in a hard marriage, there is still hope. This is not a hopeless situation. God sees you. God is not disappointed in you. God loves you and is on your side. And he will give you the daily strength to make healthy, holy choices.
If this post resonated with you and you find yourself in a difficult marriage, let’s work together to move you forward in your healing.
I cannot reiterate to anyone considering marriage because you are lonely….being married and lonely is way harder than being single and lonely.
If there are any red flags or doubts, please, please, please, confide in a friend/pastor and take a step back and try to identify those doubts or red flags.
This could’ve been written by me up until last May. I was angry and bitter and so far from God. I was taking the steps to divorce my husband. I was ready to leave my church. But God. God had other plans. In May, a friends’ church opened and we were invited to the Grand Opening. The music alone was moving (think Christian concert every week). By the 2nd week, I had an ember going inside my heart. After that service, my husband told me that the reason why he liked this church is because I held his hand. The ember grew into a very small fire. I was still angry. I was still hurt and defying anything my husband (or even God) said. I would go to bed angry every night for years and woke up every morning angry…and then one morning I woke up and I was not angry. I was not constantly thinking divorce. I was not defying – I was open (my heart and my mind) and receptive to what my husband had to offer. He stuck around when I was angry and nasty and mean – he stayed. God stuck around when I was like this too. Needless to say, we became members of this church and have grown as a couple, we have experienced the valley and we continue to conquer the mountains – together, side by side, holding hands. It’s not been easy, many tears have been shed, my heart hurts when he’s upset but we’re learning how to communicate (finally, without yelling or storming off), and we have time to figure it out. I am willing to be the wife God wants me to be. There is no other explanation as to how this happened but GOD can do miracles. I’m testimony to it.
its true being married and lonely to me is the worse as a Christian feeling so stuck in such a lonely and dark place … Yes i listen to the word everyday it is the only thing that gets me through . I have no options but to pray for God to do a miracle …… Please dont get married to cure loneliness it does not our fulfillment will have to come totally from Christ alone at this point i dont see the purpose of marriage other then having children and raising them right im almost done with that on the last of 6 hes 15 .. once he is 18 i dont know where i will be . I pray God convict my husband of the hurt he has brought on me , he is a Christian who thinks he does nothing wrong thinks he is a good husband because he works hard and makes money and pays bills he sees no need to get close to me . Been married now 34 years stay at home mom no career he knows that i am dependent on his income …..
Thank you Anna for being so courageous and for sharing your pain. Just to say it comforted me so much. Heard praying for God to change your husband and not for you to try to change him is good. Praying you get answered prayers.
Wow, Anna. This could be me! I know I made a terrible mistake 27 years ago. Through the years, he would try. But for the last 5, he has not. I’ve tried everything! I still pray for a miracle, but I believe God has heard my cries, and spoke to his heart, but he rejected him. I am fearful. I made a choice on my own all those years ago, and God was not in my choice. Now, I’m trying to honor Him, and let Him control what happens. But, it gets harder every day. My youngest son is 15, and I am fearful for life here once he is grown. But, I try to remember tomorrow is in His hands. Not my hands. I see where that got me every lonely day. God Bless and be with any woman bearing the loneliness of a empty marriage!