Recently on my Facebook writer page, I posted the following:
Relational PSA: Sweet girls, there are good, kind, tender, thoughtful, generous, God-loving men out there, who, hypothetically, may cause you to tear up in gratitude, often, and won't get tired of you after, also hypothetically, seventy-five or so dates.
And then the responses rolled in:
Really? Sounds like a total pipe dream. I'm glad you have found one, though.
I sure hope so!
I've all but given up completely.
Woman…don't play with me like that! You have a sighting?
Not really seeing them in my area or online for sure. A single man who catches my eye and who is honorable and honest is a rarity. Sadly, even those who claim to be God-honoring are just as disrespectful and dishonest. And many of my single Christian friends are finding the same in their dating.
I get it. I really do. I recognize the cynicism that is born out of deep betrayal and marriage & divorce pain. Before I tried online dating, I didn’t think there were any forty-something, Jesus-loving, single men in my area. I just never ran into any.
So, I’m here to officially say a couple things:
Yes, there are immature men out in the world who have no business dating who end up hurting my sweet girls. (And I want to ring their necks.)
But (ugh) men don’t have a corner on the market on jerkiness. There are just as many immature women out in the world who have no business dating who end up hurting some sweet men. (And I kinda want to, more gently, ring their necks too. Or at least tell them to stop dating and heal up, for their own sakes.)
Both genders are equally sinful, equally capable of hurting themselves and each other and making super poor relational choices. And in the same breath, I will say that both genders have the equal capability of being healed and transformed and kind to themselves and in relationships.
But to continue my proclamation:
Yes, sweet ones, there ARE good men in the world. Men who are kind. Men who will treat you well. Men who will respect you. Men whom you can respect! Men who will not try to control you. Men who will share their feelings. Men who will pray for you and with you. Men who love God. Men who will take you to church. Men who will love you.
Yes. There are.
You perhaps don’t see any around. And I have some thoughts.
One, you might not be ready to see what’s out there. In other words, you may still need to heal. If you’re still bitter at your ex-husband or about men in general, you have not forgiven your ex-husband and therefore you are not ready to date. No exceptions.
Two, if you are ready to date, you might need to readjust what you’re looking for. I am NOT saying to lower your bar (in fact, some of you may totally need to raise your pathetically low bar), but also be open to who God might want to bring into your life. Tall-Shadow has been such a sweet surprise for me, and he is better than what I thought I needed. So much better. Funny how that works.
Three, if you are ready to date, you might need to get your behind off the couch on a Friday night. I was SCARED TO DEATH to try online dating, but it ended up being such a fun and fascinating experience. And, for the love, I met an amazing man! Totally worth the risk. And you won’t know until you try. And you don’t make any of the baskets that you don’t shoot (or something sports-cliché’-y like that). In other words, odds are, a kind, godly, cute, single man is not going to just walk up to your door and ring the bell. (Though if one does, for heaven’s sake, please blog about it!)
Finally, just because I tell you all this does not mean you will find one. I have no idea your relational fate, and neither do you. God does not promise us a lifelong companion. But he does promise us to love us fiercely and forever, and that love is stronger than the love of even the best man.
God is love. –I John 4:8
If this post helped you, I would encourage you to check out “Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman”, found here, or “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here.