During the earlier days of my divorce, something came to my attention that really upset me regarding my kids when not in my care. I immediately began writing an email in my head reprimanding and critiquing the situation. But then I talked to a friend – more level-headed than I tend to be – and I heard the words that he has said to me before, spoken gently, “You are not the messenger. Those words won’t be heard from you.”
Crud. I hate that. Not because it’s true and he’s right. But I hate it because of this: it’s not that I’m not his messenger anymore. It’s that I never should have been, and I so totally appointed myself that role.
I was the self-appointed mother.
I was the self-appointed Holy Spirit.
I was the self-appointed judge.
I was the self-appointed parole officer.
I was the self-appointed critic.
I was the self-appointed worst enemy.
(And I am ashamed. And I am sorry.)
So, sweet divorced ones, I hate to break it to you, but you are not your ex-husband’s anything. Yes, things might come up that you two will need to discuss, but I think you know that’s not what I’m talking about. If he parents in a way that you do not approve of, you reproaching him will not only not do any good, it could only serve to anger him and cause backlash.
And, sweet still-married ones, I hate to break it to you, but you are not your husband’s soul-changer or heart-changer or word-changer or behavior-changer or anything-changer. Yes, you are a couple. Yes, you’re supposed to be “in this together”. But if he does something – anything – that you disapprove of, you telling him left and right will not help the situation; in fact, it might serve to make your life more difficult. (AlAnon says you can say something once to someone, respectfully, but anything past ONCE is nagging and verging on controlling. Yikes, but true.)
(TO BE CLEAR: If you or your children are being physically or sexually hurt, that should be addressed, and you should get to a place of safety, and tell someone like a counselor or even the authorities if necessary.)
Instead, here’s what I suggest…..and you’re going to hate it…..ready?
Pray. Only the Holy Spirit can act as the Holy Spirit. And only the Holy Spirit can truly change someone’s heart and life. So, in those moments when you’re just beyond yourself with anger or fear or sadness over what your ex-husband or husband is choosing to do with his life, or how he parents, or how he treats you, ask the Holy Spirit to heal him, and ask the Holy Spirit to protect him and your children and you. Even if those prayers taste like vinegar in your mouth, pray.
Let it go. Ugh! I hate letting things go, you have no idea. But what I’m finding – I promise you this – the more you practice letting things go, the more quickly the next thing will drop from your hand. I have seen this begin to happen in me. Things that would have completely freaked me out or ticked me off a year ago, I’m now just shaking my head and handing it over to Jesus. Seriously. But until you get to that point, you will have to train your mind. You will need to, perhaps, literally envision handing the burden over to Jesus, maybe even lifting your hand to the sky and asking him to take it. (I do this; it helps.) And then you will need to tell your mind to stop thinking and rethinking and overthinking, and replace it with another thought. Not easy, but so worth it and so much more healthy.
Move on. And then, you keep going. You do the next thing in front of you. You check email. You walk the dog. You have a cup of tea. You write a note to a friend. You live your life, basically, and let your husband or ex-husband live his, knowing that he will one day have to account for his choices, that God will one day set all things right.
For some of us, this will be a brand-new concept. If you have to, for a little while, I would memorize these words and repeat them at the first sign of a desire to verbally whip your partner or ex-partner into shape: I AM NOT HIS MESSENGER. I give this to you, Jesus. God will honor your efforts and you will be one step closer to freedom.
You have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the words of your mouth. –Proverbs 6:2
If this post helped you, I would encourage you to check out “Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage”, found here, or “Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith through the End of a Christian Marriage”, found here or “Living through Divorce as a Christian Woman”, found here.
Wow….I wish I could find words to say just how this post affects me. Suffice it to say it is what I needed to hear. Though this is hard to do, it takes a good bit of pressure off of us, doesn’t it? And that is a relief. Thanks Elisabeth, God bless you!!
You’re welcome, Rebecca! And yes, it does take the pressure off…it’s not our job! -Elisabeth
I am blessed to have a mother who gave me this advice years ago. It kept me quiet on quite a few occasions and kept me on my knees continually. The outcome in my marriage was not different because I kept quiet (at least not yet) but my heart was where it was supposed to be and that made a difference in me. As a result, my relationship with God has become something it otherwise never would have been. Thank you for sharing this. It is powerful and you said it so well!
Thank you, Arin!
” I AM NOT HIS MESSENGER. I give this to you, Jesus. God will honor your efforts and you will be one step closer to freedom.
You have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the words of your mouth. –Proverbs 6:2-”
Okay, I needed to hear this today!!! This has been my BIGGEST STRUGGLE throughout my marriage and now, through our divorce. Thank you for this needed reminder. It IS a process…and sometimes we “get it” and other days, not so much! 🙂
I totally get it, Kim. Me too. You’re welcome! -Elisabeth
Thank you for this post. This is an area I have been struggling with for a few years now. And your right I am only making it worse. Reading your words has really opened my eyes to this. Thank you!
I resonate with the struggle, Jessica. I’m happy I could help a bit today. -Elisabeth
I have to ask God’s help to root out the resentment that has grown in my heart.
Winny, I totally get it. Me too. -Elisabeth
WOW!! Just came across your blog yesterday and have been so blessed already. This specific entry is just what I needed. I’ve heard many things similar to this in the past but this really brought the message home for me. This will not only help me in my marriage, but in another relationship in my life where I was trying to be the self-appointed EVERYTHING. Thank you for showing me freedom in this issue!
Tammi, welcome! I have a couple additional resources for you:
I moderate a private Facebook group for Christian women who are in difficult marriages. If interested in joining, please send me a friend request at http://www.facebook.com/elisabeth.corcoran so I can add you. I believe it would bring you some additional support.
My newest e-book/PDF, Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage , came out of my almost-nineteen-year difficult marriage, available here: http://www.elisabethklein.com/store.
-Elisabeth
Seeing this again, a year later, is God’s gentle reminder. Of everything I’ve walked through in this process, this has been the most challenging. THANK GOD I am finally letting it GO!!! Only by God’s grace!!
I need to hear this over and over and tattoo it in my brain.
I am trying to figure out how to get blog posts by email and confirming email without buying an e-book. We are currently unemployed. Thanks!
Jeannie,
You don’t need to buy an e-book to subscribe. You just confirm your email address and that’ll do it.
Elisabeth
Hi there,
How does the Facebook friends page connection work? I signed up and I receive notifications of new pictures you put up on your page, however, I am not connected otherwise.? How do I do this?
Thanks
Kathy,
Please email me at Elisabeth@elisabethklein.com to join one of the private Facebook groups.
Elisabeth
So So true Elisabeth! You are right, no one wants to hear this advice, me included : ). Funny though, I had pretty much already figured out these truths myself. I had figured out that my ex was never going to hear ANYTHING I told him, even when I was still married to him. Why would I think he would listen to me after we divorced? As for my current, sweet adorable, loving husband, yes, there are still things that bother me about him. No he isn’t perfect (and neither am I!) He hates to be nagged, and if I tell him something more than once, chances are he may NEVER do that thing I’m hoping he will do : (. So, once it is (or maybe twice : ).